The Stamford branch is closing.
And everybody¡¯s just packing off their stuff.
And, Bernard, made this staple hats.
That¡¯s the other thing you have to watch out.
Yo, tuna. I want to talk to you about the new boss, Michael Scott.
So, what¡¯s he like?
Likes, dislikes, favorites sports, favorite movies, favorite man¡¯s magazine
You know what? I think you just need to meet him.
Playing your cards close to the vest? I get it.
Good luck over there, tuna.
Cross me, and I will destroy you.
Sounds good, Andy.
It¡¯s gonna be an adventure.
Yeah. This is going to be very interesting.
Alright. I¡¯m outta here. See you later.
- Hey, is that Josh¡¯s computer? - What?
Hey
How did the run go?
Pretty good. I finished.
That¡¯s great.
Why is that great?
Because he accomplished something.
What was your mile time?
About seven.
I can beat that on a skateboard.
Well, that has wheels.
And, well, my feet don¡¯t and I could still crush that time.
Really, Dwight? How fast are you?
Let¡¯s just put it this way.
Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake.
Really?
I¡¯m fast. To give you a reference point,
I¡¯m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose.
And a panther.
Damn, what is taking Toby so long?
Oh, I¡¯ll just time him later.
And, you compare the times.
- Yeah. Are you ready? - No, my glutes are really tight.
- Set, go! - I- I can¡¯t!
Am I being mean to Dwight?
I don¡¯t know. I did just make him run around the building
and I have no intention of timing him.
This isn¡¯t even a stopwatch.
It¡¯s a digital thermometer.
He does make my life harder sometimes, and on purpose.
Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls
as a way of bringing in more money for the company.
Hey. Three more laps to go.
You¡¯ve gotta pick it up if you¡¯re gonna beat Toby.
I should probably get back to work.
Script & Syncronization: EasyL http://theoffice.tistory.com (Feb 10, 2007)
The Office 3x08 "The Merger" Original Air Date: Nov 16, 2006 (NBC)
Here... who¡¯s here?
- Name tag? - Yes, please
Karen Filippelli
Karen Filip... Karen Filippelli
She¡¯s probably an Italian.
Possibly, Filipino
My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch.
Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size.
That¡¯s all I¡¯m going to say about it
because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me
and I have to get into my head and focus.
Here¡¯s next. That¡¯s Andy Bernard
Andy Bernard.
- If I were you... - Saint Bernard.
- I would fire Anthony Gardner. - What?
- Before noon. - I'm not...
The consolidate power.
I¡¯m not gonna firing somebody in the first day.
No, no, no, no. Not somebody. Gardner.
The Japanese camp guards of World War Two
always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived.
I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die.
I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
Good morning.
Got the food, good.
Looky, looky, looky. What I want you to do,
Set it up in conference room, please. Make it look nice.
As if you are trying to impress much older man
who¡¯s way out of your league.
Okay.
Yes, I¡¯m in a good mute today.
I¡¯m exited to meet all of the new people.
and to see my old friend again, definitely.
That¡¯s always a thing to make people happy.
To have an old friend back.
Hello.
Ah, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, our first arrival.
Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smotrich-Barr
Hannah Smotrich-Barr
Welcome to our home boulevard.
Follow me to your desk.
Your ball and chain is right over here.
You know, a lot of these people, this is the only family they have,
so, as far as I am concerned... this says ¡°World¡¯s Best Dad.¡±
Ah, there he is.
- Tony. What¡¯s your last name? - Gardner
Gardner. I knew that. There you go.
Gift bag... for you. Okay.
Thanks.
Michael, I didn¡¯t get a gift bag.
Well, they¡¯re just for guest.
If there¡¯s any left over, you can buy one later.
My bag is mostly pencils.
And, coupons to various hot spots around Scranton.
Alright, let me show you to your area, sir.
Come on, big guy.
Can I have your pencils?
No.
- Hi, I¡¯m Pam. - Karen.
I love your sweater.
Oh, thanks. My mom made it for me.
Really, that¡¯s so cool. I¡¯ve always wanted to learn that knit.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Take-me-to-your-leader.
Oh-wait,-I-am-your-leader.
Uh, wait, are you a robot or a Martian?
I¡¯m actually your boss, Michael Schott.
Welcome. Wow, you are very exotic looking.
Was your dad a G.I. or...?
I¡¯ll be the number two guy here in Scranton in six weeks.
How? Name repitition, personality mirroring,
and never breaking off handshakes.
I¡¯m always thinking one step ahead.
Like a... carpenter that make stairs.
Hello.
Ah, you must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello.
Ah ha! Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom.
We have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom... Mike.
Nifty!
They are nifty! They¡¯re nifty gifties.
You know who I really like?
Is this guy Andy Bernard?
He¡¯s got this very likable way about him.
which is why they just needed to investigate.
Right.
No way. Get him out of here.
We don¡¯t wanna use this kind of hair.
Good to see you, man.
How are you, Martin Nash, I presume?
This is a little gift bag for you, free of charge.
Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. Not...
So, your desk is...
- Hi, I¡¯m Jim. I¡¯m new here. - Oh my god! It¡¯s really you!
I was just doing a little joke there about how we had never met...
I know, I don¡¯t care!
Awesome! Good to be back.
The place looks really good.
It¡¯s really good to see you.
You too.
Where do I stand with Pam?
Um... no idea.
I mean, we¡¯re friends.
Always have been friends.
That is where we stand.
Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Hey, Dwight!
Fact. I am older. I am wiser.
Do not mess with me.
Okay. Sounds good.
What are you doing?
I don¡¯t know what you¡¯re talking about.
Do I have a smudge on my forehead?
No, you¡¯re good.
Why are you looking at my forehead?
I¡¯m not.
Meet my eye line, Jim!
I am.
Stop acting like an idiot!
Okay.
Hey, everybody.
- Welcome back - Hey
- How are you man. It¡¯s good to see you. - I'm good. How are you?
So...
Oh, I¡¯m sorry, you sitting here now?
Yeah.
Oh.
Um... Then I must be really really wanna pack.
You know, that¡¯s really your call.
...call. Thank you.
Get that for you.
Got it.
This one taken? No? Good.
Yeah, Jim is a nice guy.
That¡¯s why I got the desk.
Hey, this came with the Stamford people.
Can you take care of it?
Oh, yes I can.
In general, they do not give me much responsibility.
But, they do let me shred the company documents.
And that is really all I need.
Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike.
Hello, I don¡¯t believe we¡¯ve been introduced.
Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of sales.
So, you¡¯ll be reporting to me, then.
On the contrary...
My title has ¡°manager¡± in it.
And, I¡¯m a director,
which on a film set is the highest title there is.
Do you know anything about film?
I know everything about film.
I¡¯ve seen over 240 of them.
Congratulations.
- Hey, Toby. - Hey, Jim
How are you, man.
Oh, really good. Thank you. Hey, Welcome back.
Oh, is that like a new thing, or...?
No, I¡¯m sorry, it¡¯s...
No, it¡¯s cool.
No, it's nothing. just...
- Alright, good to have you back. Alright. - Okay
- Alright, Sorry, sorry about that. - No problem.
- Just...
What?
Nothing.
This thing is so awesome.
It will shred anything.
It will shred a CD.
It will shred...
a credit card.
It will shred... oh.
Shut.
I present the orientation video.
- We need to talk - Not now
Which is higher?
Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in charge of sales?
I told you the titles are not relevant. They just relate to pay scale.
Okay. So, who gets paid more? Me or Andy?
It is not matter of more or less.
Your pay is just different. Okay?
Alright. Show time part one.
Okay, who reports to who?
I don¡¯t care!
Dwight, you all report to me. That¡¯s all that matters.
The rest of is just work it out amongst yourselves, okay?
- And, then if I want... - Work it out amongst yourselves!
I have company to run. Will you let me run the company?
- Will you? - One...
Please.
- Jiiiiiiim! - Kelly!
Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!
Really?
Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby, they named it Suri.
And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?
They had a baby too and they named it Shiloh,
and both babies are amazing!
Great. What¡¯s new with you?
I just told you.
Okay, everybody settled in?
Good. Why don¡¯t we all precede into the conference room?
Or, should I say the banquet hall.
For drum roll plays...
The official merger day.
All family welcome breakfast. Come on in.
Don¡¯t be shy.
- Hey, champagne - No, no, guest only.
- Smoked salmon. - No.
For you, consider it cow meat. Strictly taboo.
I eat beef.
Well, then consider it poisoned beef. It¡¯s no touch.
- The- the- the beef is poisoned? - No, it¡¯s not... beef...
Just... sit down, please.
Welcome. Help yourself.
Um, you might want these orientation materials.
Wrong, Toby. This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation.
Okay. Do not worry, all of your questions are about to be answered.
Cell phones and pagers off, please.
Oh, this looks promising.
You won¡¯t be disappointed.
Let¡¯s face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful.
So I have made an orientation video, especially for you new comers.
But, it¡¯s not like any orientation video
that any of you've have ever seen,
it¡¯s funny.
It¡¯s got a little bit of zing to it.
And I hope that it gives you a flavor
of what we are all about here at Dunder-Mifflin.
And, what we are all about here in Scranton.
So, let¡¯s just all laugh together
and watch ¡°Lazy Scranton.¡±
¢Ý Sittin¡¯ in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, ¢Ý
¢Ý Call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin¡¯¢Ý
¢Ý Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty ¢Ý
¢Ý So check out how we live in the Electric City! ¢Ý
¢Ý They call it Scranton / What? ¢Ý
¢Ý The Electric City ¢Ý
¢Ý Scranton / What? ¢Ý
¢Ý The Electric City ¢Ý
¢Ý Call poison control if you¡¯re bit by a spider ¢Ý
¢Ý But check that it¡¯s covered by your health care provider! ¢Ý
It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day.
The Scranton Which Project.
I¡¯m so scared!
When people don¡¯t label their personal food.
¢Ý You lack coal mines and you wanna see'em, ¢Ý
¢Ý Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! ¢Ý
¢Ý Plenty of space in the parking lot, ¢Ý
¢Ý But the little cars go in the compact spot ¢Ý
¢Ý Spot, spot, spot, spot... ¢Ý
Well, so far, I think it is killing!
I thought it would be an A or A+
But I completely forgot there was an A++
This is Karen Filippelli, please leave a message.
Terrible. Totally uncommented!
This is Karen Filippelli, please leave a message.
Not bad. But you are Italian, so...
Try more Italian.
Italian?
Alright
Karen Filippelli...
Hey buddy. Anything new to report?
You mean, to me, from you?
Cause that¡¯s how it works.
Sure thing, buddy.
Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes.
Because the angrier that he gets, the more marginalize he becomes!
Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there.
Layng on the charm
Hey, Angela. Check this out.
It's my new screen saver.
Do you like it?
I do like it, actually.
Thank you.
You have such a pretty smile by the way.
- Thank you. - You¡¯re welcome.
Hey.
What happened to grape soda?
Oh, yeah, I¡¯m trying to move away from that.
Getting into more of a bottled water phase.
Oh, you¡¯ve changed so much.
Well, I¡¯m evolving, Pam.
So, when do I get to hear everything?
Are you still getting unpacked, or...?
You wanna grap a coffee or something after work?
Oh, um... it¡¯s night. Actually, no.
I¡¯m... I¡¯m... just still getting settled.
- Oh, yeah. I know. whatever. - Okay.
Sorry to interrupt. I...
No, you are not interrupting anything.
- No, I¡¯m... Don¡¯t... - Alright.
- Okay - Alright
I should probably get back to work.
- Crack the whip. - Yeah, I know. me too.
The day¡¯s going fine.
It¡¯s been a little chaotic, but it¡¯s fine.
It¡¯s great.
A lot of distractions, but... it¡¯s good.
Take a picture. It¡¯ll last longer.
I¡¯m sorry... it¡¯s just... it¡¯s a little distracting.
Ditto that, my brother.
Look what¡¯s on his computer!
What is that? It¡¯s squid¡¯s eye or...
It¡¯s my left breast.
- How did you... - Right place at the right time.
What¡¯s this smell?
What smell?
Must a Febrize air freshner is pluged in somewhere.
It smells like a funeral home.
Oh, I¡¯ll help you find it.
Oh, you know. Never- Nevermind.
What is it?
I- I think I¡¯m just allergic to your perfume.
My perfume?
It¡¯s just my crazy nose.
I... um, I¡¯m used to different smells.
Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in metropolitan Orlando.
It¡¯s made from real pine.
Who¡¯s Bob Vance?
You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.
I don¡¯t know who this new people think they are.
I have sat down windows to Philly¡¯s stinky perfume for years.
Never said a word.
People hate people that are different from them.
That¡¯s natural.
But, you know what makes people to forget their differences?
A great show.
That is why I created the integration celebration.
This is the moment when Scranton is stand for come together as one.
United in applause.
I know what a lot of you must be thinking.
Wow. What a day!
Feel¡¯s more like at night at a party than a day of work.
Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out.
A night at...
the Roxbury.
Okay. It¡¯s supposed to be music, and...
I got it, I got it! Dwight! Just...
Do you have a battery in the back?
Stupid!
Haddaway - What is love
¢Ý What is love? ¢Ý - Oh that¡¯s it! That¡¯s it!
¢Ý Oh baby, don't hurt me ¢Ý - Okay here we go.
¢Ý Don't hurt me no more ¢Ý - Everyone!
¢Ý Oh what is love, baby don't hurt me ¢Ý
Here we go, here we go.
¢Ý Don't hurt me no more ¢Ý
Oh, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
You me, you me, me you!
You me, bam bam bam!
You me, you you you! You me, you you you!
Oh my nose is so itchy. Oh my nose is so itchy.
Oh, probably 'cause of nose candy.
I told you this guy had a sense of humor.
Very funny, Michael. Really, funny Michael.
Alright, Alright, I¡¯m on a roll.
Why are the new people on the table?
To show them that we are not about them.
Shouldn¡¯t we be equals?
Not today.
No.
Tony, please join your cohorts on the table, if you would.
Ah, this is difficult, for me.
I- I understand. We are all friends.
No, I mean I can¡¯t, physically. I can¡¯t get on the table.
Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.
You know what? I¡¯ll help. I will help.
No, please don¡¯t.
Don¡¯t be shy.
Dwight, let¡¯s do this.
- Come on, we are doing this thing. Let's get up! - Ready? On three.
- One, two... - Bend at the knees
Okay here we go. Here we go.
I¡¯m under this, I¡¯m under this hock Here.
I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m grabbing here.
But it really feels good.
- Push it, push it. - No!
- Right in your crap. - No, put me down, now!
Put me down, now! Put me down, now!
- You got it, you got it! - I had enough!
Put me down right now!
- Well, hey, easy. - Easy
I¡¯m sorry.
Don¡¯t...
It¡¯s just not going to work for me.
I have to go.
I don¡¯t understand.
I was on offence about this,
And, it¡¯s just not a good fit.
Well, we will squeeze you, man.
I can¡¯t work here.
I have to quit.
You can¡¯t quit on the first day!
That¡¯s heresy, my friend!
Okay, let¡¯s talk about this. What happened?
I mean, Dwight...
Was it Toby? Did he say something?
Because he's...
No, Toby was helpful, he was very kind.
It¡¯s just your management style.
My management style?
Didn¡¯t you think Lazy Scranton was funny?
No. Was that supposed to be funny?
Okay, well.
Don¡¯t bother quitting. Because you¡¯re fired.
Excuse me? You are fired!
I¡¯m sorry, but we don¡¯t have quitters on this team.
Just clean out your desk.
There¡¯s nothing in my desk except the coupons.
Don¡¯t try to apologize to me, man.
It¡¯s too late! Just get out.
That your bad vibes with you.
It was my advice.
Remember I¡¯m the one suggested that you fire him!
Probably, the best advice that you ever gave me, Dwight.
And, what advice has Andy given to you today that you have act done?
Would none be accurate estimate? None advice?
Fire Andy. Fire Andy.
Dwight may have won the battle.
But I will win... the next battle.
Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.
Maybe that¡¯s because some people treated like their own private Hooter's strip club.
Woo... Angela, hold on.
Hooter¡¯s is a restaurant.
With over 400 locations worldwide.
But, after work, we don't have to get along.
We just have to work together, you know.
No, we do have to get along.
Can¡¯t we all just get along?
Or have we forgotten the words of Reverend King?
The word ¡°merger¡± comes from the word ¡°marriage.¡±
And that was what today was supposed to be.
The loving union between people.
Instead, it has become like when my mom moved in with Jeff.
And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.
Hey, hey everybody!
Something happen.
Those guys of Vance Refrigeration.
- They let the air out of our tires. - What?
Yeah, they punk us! They punk us goods!
Come on! Come on!
Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?
Does he ever.
Man, he got us so bad.
We cannot let him get away of this.
We have got to pull together as one
and steal their refrigerators!
- Yeah! - Yeah?
I don¡¯t- I don¡¯t think we can do that.
Go home, Toby. Just...
Hey, what doesn¡¯t your car have flat tires?
Why? I will tell you why.
Because they saved the worse for me.
They put ¡°I-hate¡± note under my windshield wipers.
Check this out. It¡¯s so hateful.
¡°You guys suck!"
"You can never pull together as one and revenge us."
"That is why you suck!¡±
Crying out, wow!
No, no, no, no, no. No!
You are following forward.
you are playing right on their hands!
Cause' this is just what they want you to do!
What's wrong with this guy?
God, now I¡¯m trying to explain.
This is egregious!
Trust me, it only gets worse.
Is he always like this?
Sometimes he brings more costumes.
When do people work?
Oh, we find little times during the day.
How are we gonna get home?
Bob Vance has an air pump.
He said he¡¯d fill all our tires up.
Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration?
See that. Mission accomplished!
they're like a bunch of fourth graders.
Sometimes what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady.
Although that¡¯ll change.
Because, by the end of the fourth grade,
the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.
Jello! Michael
Hi Jan.
You fired Tony Gardner of when he was trying to request.
I did. Major personal crisis averted.
Complement accepted.
You realize Michael that now we have to pay him exuberance?
Yes
You do
But, do you realize that was actually Dwight¡¯s idea?
That is advice from my number two.
What, no, no, no. No. Jim is your number two.
What?
He¡¯s the only one who has worked for both group.
So, I sent you a memo about this.
Yes, I know that,
or I do read the memos.
So, after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun,
I have decided to make Jim my new number two.
If he even once said.
It doesn¡¯t come with pay raise.
No, it does, actually.
So, who will be your number three?
Ah, that I have not decided yet.
Michael, I would just like to say that
you have handled this entire situation with great Aplam.
Thank you, Andy. That¡¯s very kind. Thank.
And, I have to say that your leadership has ...
Shhh, shut it. That¡¯s...
Suck up.
Hey, where you at?
I¡¯m at the grocery store buying a cork screw to give myself lobotomy.
What¡¯s wrong. You didn¡¯t have a good first day?
Oh my god! Hey you want to meet in a Cooper's in an hour?
I need to drink.
Yeah, sure. Sounds good.
I... Hey, you know what. Can I call you right back?
Yeah - Okay, thanks. - Okay
Hey.
I thought you had already left.
Uh, no. I just had some other stuff I had to do.
Ah, Good.
What¡¯s up?
Oh, nothing. I just feel bad.
I feel like things were a little weird today or something.
What do you mean?
I just think I should tell you that I¡¯ve sorta started seeing someone, and um...
Oh, that¡¯s totally cool.
You can do whatever you want.
Oh? okay. Um... Good.
We¡¯re friends.
We¡¯ll always be friends.
Right.
It¡¯s good to have you back.
Yeah, it¡¯s good to be back.
Where did you get that salad?
Staples.
I saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot.
What does it get, like four miles to the gallon?
Uh, try double that.
Classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle. Please.
Yeah, my Xterra¡¯s pretty sweet.
Luxurious yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Xterra¡¯s not even a real word.
Actually, it is. It¡¯s Latin for ¡°earth.¡±
Oh, so you drive an X-Earth?
Yeah.
That makes sense.
I¡¯d rather drive a classic Trans Am than an XEarth.
Yeah, I bet you would.
Oh, and by the way, 1985 called and wants its car back.
Well I hope 1985 has a time machine ¡¯cause I drive an 87.
Oh, speaking of time machines,
I just got back from the future
and I went to your funeral
and guess what, nobody came.
Speaking of funerals,
why don¡¯t you go ahead and go die.
Oh, that was a really well-constructed sentence.
You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.
Idiot!
If I were an idiot, I¡¯d be driving a Trans Am.
If you were driving a Trans Am,
you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Idiot!
You¡¯re the idiot!
Nice comeback!
I was making fun of your comeback!
That¡¯s why it worked.
I totally got the best of that interchange.